Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

------------------

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, “I think I’ve lost an electron.”
The other says, “Are you sure?”
The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”

------------------

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. Upon being asked the price, the bartender responded, “For you? No charge.

------------------

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate!

------------------

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the same side.

------------------

A tachyon gets kicked out of a bar. The bartender says “we don’t serve your type!”. A tachyon walks into a bar.

Then, just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, we have the geek pick-up lines:


I wish I could be your derivative so I could be tangent to your curves.
----------------------
Hey babe, wanna see the exponential growth of my natural log?
----------------------
Baby, I know my chemistry, and you’ve got one significant figure.
----------------------
If I were an enzyme I’d be DNA Helicase so I could unzip your genes.
----------------------
Hey, baby; wanna test the ‘k’ of my bedsprings?
----------------------
Are you the square root of 2? Because I feel irrational when I am around you.
----------------------
How can I know so many hundreds of digits of pi and not the digits of your phone number?

A bar walks into Einstein.

"Neutrino!"
...
...
...
"Who's there?"
...
...
...
"Knock, knock"

A neutrino walks through a bar.

A Klingon walks into a bar. The bartender serves him quickly and politely.

(I'm not sure I've got the hang of this yet ...)

A baryon walks in ...

(I'll get me coat.)

A German-born theoretical physicist walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

"What do you want?" asks the barman.

"Ein stein."

If at first you don’t succeed; call it version 1.0.

or push the reset button.

Unix is user friendly. It’s just selective about who its friends are.

Slap in the Dark!

A Greek man, an Albanian man, a Swedish girl and an old Italian woman are traveling on a train that has just entered a dark tunnel. Suddenly they hear a loud slap, and when the train emerges, the Albanian man has a red hand print on his cheek.
He must have groped the Swedish girl, and she slapped him, the Italian woman thinks.
He tried to grope me but fondled the old lady instead, and she slapped him, the Swedish girl decides.
The Greek guy must have groped the blonde, and she slapped me by accident, the Albanian determines.
I can't wait for another tunnel, the Greek man thinks, so I can smack that Albanian again!


A commitment to Mod'nAdminlyness: I understand that ^{r-e-s-i-s-t-a-n-c-e} _{*i - s*} ^f-u-t-i-l-e.
I shall not be starchy, nit pic, patronize, commit misandry, be economical with the facts or be a pedant, neither shall I whine. I shall endeavour to abstain from gratuitous point-scoring off the comments of other Mods or Administrators and also from engendering a culture of BLAME, remembering too to give the benefit of the doubt. Everything in my power will be done to achieve a modest post count & share my smileys, sources & avatars,

Tru, that's a Greek joke....not a Geek joke.

Ha! So you noticed


A commitment to Mod'nAdminlyness: I understand that ^{r-e-s-i-s-t-a-n-c-e} _{*i - s*} ^f-u-t-i-l-e.
I shall not be starchy, nit pic, patronize, commit misandry, be economical with the facts or be a pedant, neither shall I whine. I shall endeavour to abstain from gratuitous point-scoring off the comments of other Mods or Administrators and also from engendering a culture of BLAME, remembering too to give the benefit of the doubt. Everything in my power will be done to achieve a modest post count & share my smileys, sources & avatars,

Now if had been a Greek Geek, well then I'd have truly been impressed!

I already wished everyone a merry Xmas on October 31st.

(it's not that funny, but it's very clever).

A cop pulls over Erwin Schrödinger, and asks him to open the boot of his car.
The cop in the boot, and says, "Sir, do you know you have a dead cat in your boot?"
Schrödinger replies, "Well, I do NOW!"

Jupiter Scientific is pleased to report that physicists have embarked on their own product safety campaign, recommending that manufacturers provide consumers with all of the following labels:

WARNING: Due to its heavy mass, this product warps the space surrounding it. No health hazards are yet known to be associated with effect.

NOTE: This product may actually be nine-dimensional but, if this is the case, functionality is not affected by the extra six dimensions.

HEALTH WARNING: This product (and every product of the Manufacturer) emits low-level nuclear radiation.

NOTE: A subatomic "glue" holds the fundamental constituents of this product together. Since the exact nature of this glue is not yet fully understood, its adhesive power cannot be guaranteed. To date, no known malfunction of the product has resulted from glue failure.

DISCLAIMER: Manufacturer is not responsible for loss should this product disappear into a wormhole.

LIMITED WARRANTY: Despite the efforts of the Manufacturer, the chaos in this package has increased since being shipped. If such chaos has rendered the product defective, Buyer shall not hold Manufacturer responsible. Claims in this regard should be aimed directly at the Shipper.

NOTE: Despite its appearance, this product is more than 99.99% empty space.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING: According to quantum theory, this product may collapse into another state if directly observed.

HANDLE WITH CARE: This product contains countless, minute, electrically charged particles moving at extremely high speeds.

EXTREME CAUTION: This product has an energy-equivalent that, if exploded, could destroy a small town. Under no circumstance shall a User perform a mass-energy transformation on any of the contents in this package. In case of misuse, liability shall rest entirely with the User.

GUARANTEED RETURN CLAUSE: Because of the uncertainty principle, we have shipped this product with a limited speed notice. However, if shippers have disregarded our notice, we cannot guarantee that all the contents are in the box. If you discover missing components, please call the 1-800 number on the instruction sheet.

IMPORTANT: This product is composed of 100% matter: It is the responsibility of the User to make sure that it does not come in contact with antimatter. Under no circumstances will the Manufacturer be liable for User mishandling in this regard.

QUALITY STANDARD: The electrons, protons and neutrons are guaranteed to be of same quality as those used in other products of the Manufacturer.

DISAPPEARANCE EXCLUSION: Due to quantum tunneling, there is an extremely tiny chance that this product may suddenly disappear at any time (and reappear elsewhere). The Manufacturer will not be responsible for such mysterious disappearances.

AS REQUIRED BY LAW, we must inform you that any use of this product increases the amount of disorder in the universe. As of the date shipped, Congress has not passed any bills assigning a tax on disorder pollution.

USE LIMITATION: This product cannot be guaranteed to function normally near a black hole.

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of an apple by its' diameter?

A: Apple Pi

Replying to an invitation to a Scientist's Ball:


Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.

Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.

Volta was electrified and Archimedes, buoyant at thought.

Ampere was worried he wasn't up to current research.

Ohm resisted the idea at first.

Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience.

Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.

Stephenson thought the 1whole idea was loco.

Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.

Dr Jekyll declined - he hadn't been feeling himself lately.

Morse's reply: I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now, must dash.

Heisenberg was uncertain if he could make it.

Hertz said in the future he planned to attend with greater frequency.

Henry begged off due to a low capacity for alcohol.

Audubon said he'd have to wing it.

Hawking said he'd try to string enough time together to make a space in

his schedule.

Darwin said he'd have to see what evolved.

Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?

Mendel said he'd put some things together and see what came out.

Descartes said he'd think about it.

Newton was moved to attend.

Pavlov was drooling at the thought.

Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.

A scientist was doing an experiment on a frog.

He said to the frog, "Frog jump."
The frog jumped twenty feet.
The scientist wrote down, 'All legs: Frog jumps twenty feet'.

So he cutoff one of the frog's legs and said, "Frog jump."
The frog jumped ten feet.
The scientist wrote down, 'Cut off one leg: Frog jumps ten feet'.

The scientist cut off another leg and said "Frog Jump".
The frog jumped five feet.
He wrote 'Cut off two legs: Frog jumps five feet'.

The scientist cuts off a third leg and says "Frog jump".
The frog jumped two feet.
So he wrote down "Cut off three legs: Frog jumps two feet'.

He cuts off the fourth leg and says, "Frog jump."
The frog didn't move.
Scientist wrote down, 'Cut off all legs: Frog went deaf'.

A little light reading?

Einstein and Newton are playing together in Heaven.

Einstein: Do you want to play hide and seek,Newton?
Newton: OK, Einstein.
Einstein: I'll close my eyes and you hide.
Newton: OK

<Einstein closes eyes>
<Newton draws a one metre square on the ground and stands in the middle of it.>

Einstein: Are you ready?
Newton: Yes, I'm ready.

<Einstein opens eyes>

Einstein: Hello Pascal. Where is Newton?

I slowly got that, by guessing (I didn't know) that there is a unit named the Pascal!

There are only 10 types of people in the world.
Those who understand binary and those who don't.

That was a favourite on Radio Nelson.

. Ivor



The original and real cat with the swishy tail.
Accept no imitations.

Are you sure?

I'd be surprised if they'd heard of binary in New Zealand.